When I was putting the kids in the car yesterday after doing the shopping, I saw a fairly pregnant woman, who had a young toddler getting into the car next to me. Before I finished thinking, I turned and said, wow they are going to be close together. She replied, 16 months, its a good age gap.
I went on to say, "it'll be hard for awhile, that close together is harder than twins in my opinion."
What a horrid thing to say!! I did quickly apologise and say I knew she was doing what was right for her and that she would be fine of course, because we all do out best. I also shared with her that people used to say things like that to me and that it was a weird thing to say. I think she was still fairly offended though.
My bad! I hate it when people come up to me and say judgey things without thinking about it. Like if I have an extra child (especially if they are between the ages of Paige and the twins) I almost always get some kind of comment regarding (whether overtly or covertly) my use of contraception. Sometimes I get several. I used to often get asked when I was pregnant when people found out I was having twins, "how are you going to manage?" so imagine my shame to almost say the same thing to someone else?
Some of the questions people ask me are just amusing, the most common being the most amusing of all which is "are they twins?" While I understand its a fairly valid question (and I have been known to ask it myself even since having twins) I still get a little chuckle out of it. And I enjoy coming up with amusing answers that I almost never actually use, like, nah they were have a buy one get one free sale that day. Or (if I have Paige too) no no, they are triplets, but these two have a rare degenerative disease so they never grew beyond the age of two.
There seems to be an interesting thing I have noted with western society compared with the small supposedly "undeveloped" peoples throughout the world, every study I have ever read about them, they live in fairly open groups and the children are simply raised by all the adults together. In our western culture, we live in a more private world, and with that seems to come the mother of all eff-ups, assumption.
I know I am prey to it myself, I walk through the mall and see a woman or family with several children and wonder if they are all theirs, or I see a person screaming abuse at their child and do my very best to reserve my judgement, knowing I don't know what has been going on. Its hard though, its easy to sit on the outside and assume you would handle the situation differently. Or think, I would never have that many children. Or I would not allow my children to dress in those clothes or behave in that manner. Of course the latter two tend to be more the prey of the pre parent than the post parent.
Case in point: I was walking through the mall - heavily pregnant - when these two rather dressed up young girls walked past me and said very loudly "OMG thats so disgusting I would never let something come out of my vagina!!!!!" all I could do there was laugh and unfortunately I didnt think of my great comeback till they were out of earshot which was "well don't let anything in it love".
I think this is a sad by-product of the western privacy tendency to be very closed lipped about how it really is, and the need that we must look like we are coping well. At the end of the day we all go home and shut our doors and our curtains and for all we know the neighbour is beating the crap out of their kids with wooden spoons. Or they might be sitting around the fire having a lovely game of pictionary and laughing their bottoms off.
Then we get up in the morning, go out into the world from our private homes and make assumptions about the people we see.
I hate it when I hear my mind judging. I do my best to constantly remind myself that everyone is different and everyone is doing their best. Then I completely fail myself and say something to some poor mother that for all I know really wanted that age gap between her kids and never expected to have so much comments and flack for it. Or perhaps she fell pregnant accidentally the second time, chose to keep it and is struggling to come to terms with that and comments like mine sure as hell aren't helping. Judgement and assumption then either commenting or acting on it, it neither helps nor does it change what is.
To that mother: Wherever you are, I am truly sorry for my comments, I sincerely hope the rest of your day was fantastic, and I know you are doing your best. As am I.
And I also know, that the old adage "you get what you can cope with" is complete crap, it should be "you cope with what you get" well what else can we do?
Something funny to finish. Once on a rather bad judgement day when my "ten foot twins" (can't get ten feet without another comment) were living up to themselves, I was asked, so are your twins natural or IVF twins?
I was already feeling pretty cross and replied tersely "actually they are plastic." And stalked off. Poor woman.
My other favourite twin moment, was on the same day, when I got the same old common one: "are they twins?" On replying yes, I was asked, "so are they sisters?"
Um no, no they are cousins...
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
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