Paige is off at her dads for her fortnightly weekend. These are always both a sigh of relief and a pang of sadness. I both miss her when she's away and enjoy the time off. I believe this is called bitter-sweet.
Lately though, the missing her almost always takes till around midday Saturday...
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter and would never part with her permanently, of course not! She is an awesome kid. I do enjoy the break and its been this way since she was one year old so I guess I am used to it.
See the twins spend a night away with my mum occasionally, usually when Paige is at her dads, and that gives us a REAL break, and we love these times, but I find myself a lot more likely to miss them than when Paige is at her dads. It's not because I love them any more or anything, I think its a combination of A) they don't leave me anything like as regularly, and B) they are younger.
Its often very hard as well though, having Paige so often out of the house, she not only goes every second weekend, she is gone every Wednesday as well, so getting any kind of consistent discipline program going is being constantly undermined, not because the other people she goes to aren't doing it, (although they probably aren't because we don't really talk about each households methods of discipline), but because she goes away from us and its hard to form the habit with it being interrupted so often.
When Paige was much younger, and before I had other children, I missed her like crazy from the second she went till the second she arrived home. As she gets older and more independent in some ways, though more difficult in others, I have a mixed up bunch of feelings over it all. This holidays were interesting, as, usually her weekend at dads falls on the central weekend, but this weekend it was the first weekend and the last weekend, and the paternal grandmother went on holidays meaning (due to her fathers work) Paige could not spend either Wednesday night there either. Add to that her new found pre-teen attitude, the twins birthday party, and the general hecticness of life regardless of holiday time or not (in fact holidays are a little MORE stressful as I have to locate babysitters to have Paige on workdays), and so, by Daddys weekend two (this one) I was GAGGING for the break, followed by school starting...
I have had some lovely times with Paige this holidays, don't get me wrong, her company is often delightful and her conversations increasingly intelligent. She is really fun to cuddle with and watch stuff on you tube, or draw with, or dance with. Or watch while she jumps on the tramp, or swings on the swing set, and makes up "tricks" to show me. She is a loving and generous little girl always ready to share with anyone and wanting to help (this can sometimes be more annoying than not). She is excellent at entertaining the twins, even if she does need some supervision with it, but at the same time, if I am not in the room she tries very hard to moderate any fighting that may break out. With some success I might add. When she hasn't got her pre-teen hat on, she is actually very well behaved, and generally wants to please us. As most kids do.
She also however, has a tendency to ask rather inane questions such as "why does Kaisey go to bed at night?" (this asked to Don as he attempted to leave for work the other morning) and whats for dinner (this after we have answered it ten minutes before) and one of my personal favourites: you wont leave without me eh? (as if we would). Now the first fifteen or so of these I might answer calmly and patiently, but the last 100 or so my patience begins to wear thin.
So this weekend, yes, I am not afraid to admit that I was glad to be rid of her for a couple of days. And I definitely enjoyed the ease of putting the kids to bed last night, when it was just the twins and they don't call out to procrastinate sleep very often yet (haven't figured out they can I don't think) and this morning I enjoyed that the twins cannot yet open the door to disturb me during my morning coffee and reading my book and cigarette. Nor can they answer me back yet, or bug me verbally for food, and generally once their needs are met I can choose to play some more with them or ignore them and do my own thing. Yes, I have enjoyed that.
About now, however, comes the missing. And I will be ecstatic to receive my big bundle of gorgeous, energetic, dramatic, loving and generous, and, yes, at times difficult and annoying Paige tomorrow evening when she comes home.
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother
Friday 29 April 2011
Wednesday 27 April 2011
The terrible twos.
The twins are two years old today, and they are definitely trying on their "terrible two" clothes.
So many people say to me "oh don't label your kids!" and I think, why not? I'm not always telling THEM that, but my twins are definitely entering this stage of I cant tell you what's wrong, and I can't articulate my authority so I am just going to YELL!
What fun. It's often very loud around here now. And a lot of things are being thrown across the room, which we don't condone but the twins haven't figured that out yet, rather we haven't figured out how to teach them that!
It's really very different having two children "terrible two'ing" at the same time. I vaguely remember with Paige having a lot of control really and being able to walk away from it. The only person she had to fight with was me, and since I rarely engaged with it, she never got anywhere! Now with the twins, they not only have each other to fight with, they have a big and rather full on sister to fight with too.
I am not sure, since I have nothing to compare it to, but I imagine that the second (but not multiple) child going through this stage would be rather a different ball game than the first (only) child going through it, given that that child would have an older sibling to fight with and that older sibling does not know how to handle this extremely emotional younger sibling.
Now the twins are trying to establish whos boss, both in the house and with each other, its a noisey power fight. And at times an amusing one.
Annabelles new favourite toy is a shape sorter, so of course Kaisey wants to play with it whenever she does, the rather amusing part is that whenever Annabelle has it, and Kaisey turn makes towards her, she drops it and then screams her head off as if Kaisey had wrenched it out of her hand!! I told her shes being a little weak-willed. I'm sure she understood me!
Another fairly common word in the house just now is "no!" which is said often, by everyone, adults and children, sometimes quite loudly, and at times for no reason at all that I can fathom.
Now how to deal with these bossy little beings that are currently over riding my living room with toys, noise and drama? I'm not entirely sure...
When Paige was this age, my main tactics were, give choices, say yes as often as possible, be strong on the non-negotiable, and I have to say she was a fairly easy two year old comparatively now that I am dealing with these two. She was very articulate for her age.
The twins are most un-articulate, they have about 10-15 words each (at two years old Paige had a vocab of about 75-100 words if I remember correctly, she was also starting to speak in short sentences) their reasoning powers are fairly low, and I can't give them choices, because they do not understand. I can hold out two pairs of pants and say which one? and they grin at me, Paige at the same age would choose.
One of the questions I often get asked is "is one of them more difficult than the other?" Some days, yes, but most of the time, they are just different children, and I can't really tell you who is more "difficult".
Kaisey is quite vicious with her frustration, she will immediately lash out physically, and when you tell her off she has a fantastic sad face to turn on. She will bite, kick, smack, push, I have even seen her punch; where she got THAT I have no idea. But its fairly irritating to say the least. I guess the easiest way to deal with this would be to whisk her into her room, tell her off on the way and then leave her there. I almost never do this, though, I don't know if thats laziness or what, but at the moment my approach is to give her a strong telling off, then comfort the child she has hurt (usually Annabelle). I'm actually quite pleased to see she has backbone, as I worried about this when they first started kindy at 10 months old, and she was a very sweet and quiet little girl that didn't seem to want to say boo to a goose, so, seeing her sticking up for herself, though her methods are unacceptable, I enjoy knowing she is not a pushover. She is still a very sweet and loving little girl, she just has some spunk too.
Annabelle is a bit of a mixed bag really. Shes very cheeky and funny, and she loves parroting what we say. Whether she understands it or not. Her latest word though, seems to be WWWAAAAHHHH at the top of her lungs, and it doesn't seem to be because shes not getting her way, or because she is unhappy about anything, it seems to be just that she enjoys making noise. She is very intelligent, and I see her constantly trying to figure things out. Its like watching the little cogs in her brain going whirrrr. She is also currently the non-dominant twin, that seems to go back and forth, but to watch Kaisey get her way without even touching her says a lot. She does also have spine though but she is a lot less physical with it, using her voice more often than not. Although she will fight back if Kaisey starts beating her up.
When it comes to their battles I most often leave them to fight it out, I figure its a fair fight, they are the same age, height and weight, even if Kaiseys not walking yet, she can certainly hold her own. If I see things getting very physical I will tell them off and perhaps move one or both away, but usually they will come up with a solution, usually being "I win, you lose".
I have read various articles that say letting your kids fight their own battles with their siblings is quite good for them, as long as they aren't actually hurting each other. It allows them to learn negotiation skills and similar that are an important part of existence. Apparently. Doesn't make it any less annoying to listen too.
As to the rest of it, I guess all I can do is soldier on, and hope we all make it through with our hair intact. And I love nap-time!
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother
So many people say to me "oh don't label your kids!" and I think, why not? I'm not always telling THEM that, but my twins are definitely entering this stage of I cant tell you what's wrong, and I can't articulate my authority so I am just going to YELL!
What fun. It's often very loud around here now. And a lot of things are being thrown across the room, which we don't condone but the twins haven't figured that out yet, rather we haven't figured out how to teach them that!
It's really very different having two children "terrible two'ing" at the same time. I vaguely remember with Paige having a lot of control really and being able to walk away from it. The only person she had to fight with was me, and since I rarely engaged with it, she never got anywhere! Now with the twins, they not only have each other to fight with, they have a big and rather full on sister to fight with too.
I am not sure, since I have nothing to compare it to, but I imagine that the second (but not multiple) child going through this stage would be rather a different ball game than the first (only) child going through it, given that that child would have an older sibling to fight with and that older sibling does not know how to handle this extremely emotional younger sibling.
Now the twins are trying to establish whos boss, both in the house and with each other, its a noisey power fight. And at times an amusing one.
Annabelles new favourite toy is a shape sorter, so of course Kaisey wants to play with it whenever she does, the rather amusing part is that whenever Annabelle has it, and Kaisey turn makes towards her, she drops it and then screams her head off as if Kaisey had wrenched it out of her hand!! I told her shes being a little weak-willed. I'm sure she understood me!
Another fairly common word in the house just now is "no!" which is said often, by everyone, adults and children, sometimes quite loudly, and at times for no reason at all that I can fathom.
Now how to deal with these bossy little beings that are currently over riding my living room with toys, noise and drama? I'm not entirely sure...
When Paige was this age, my main tactics were, give choices, say yes as often as possible, be strong on the non-negotiable, and I have to say she was a fairly easy two year old comparatively now that I am dealing with these two. She was very articulate for her age.
The twins are most un-articulate, they have about 10-15 words each (at two years old Paige had a vocab of about 75-100 words if I remember correctly, she was also starting to speak in short sentences) their reasoning powers are fairly low, and I can't give them choices, because they do not understand. I can hold out two pairs of pants and say which one? and they grin at me, Paige at the same age would choose.
One of the questions I often get asked is "is one of them more difficult than the other?" Some days, yes, but most of the time, they are just different children, and I can't really tell you who is more "difficult".
Kaisey is quite vicious with her frustration, she will immediately lash out physically, and when you tell her off she has a fantastic sad face to turn on. She will bite, kick, smack, push, I have even seen her punch; where she got THAT I have no idea. But its fairly irritating to say the least. I guess the easiest way to deal with this would be to whisk her into her room, tell her off on the way and then leave her there. I almost never do this, though, I don't know if thats laziness or what, but at the moment my approach is to give her a strong telling off, then comfort the child she has hurt (usually Annabelle). I'm actually quite pleased to see she has backbone, as I worried about this when they first started kindy at 10 months old, and she was a very sweet and quiet little girl that didn't seem to want to say boo to a goose, so, seeing her sticking up for herself, though her methods are unacceptable, I enjoy knowing she is not a pushover. She is still a very sweet and loving little girl, she just has some spunk too.
Annabelle is a bit of a mixed bag really. Shes very cheeky and funny, and she loves parroting what we say. Whether she understands it or not. Her latest word though, seems to be WWWAAAAHHHH at the top of her lungs, and it doesn't seem to be because shes not getting her way, or because she is unhappy about anything, it seems to be just that she enjoys making noise. She is very intelligent, and I see her constantly trying to figure things out. Its like watching the little cogs in her brain going whirrrr. She is also currently the non-dominant twin, that seems to go back and forth, but to watch Kaisey get her way without even touching her says a lot. She does also have spine though but she is a lot less physical with it, using her voice more often than not. Although she will fight back if Kaisey starts beating her up.
When it comes to their battles I most often leave them to fight it out, I figure its a fair fight, they are the same age, height and weight, even if Kaiseys not walking yet, she can certainly hold her own. If I see things getting very physical I will tell them off and perhaps move one or both away, but usually they will come up with a solution, usually being "I win, you lose".
I have read various articles that say letting your kids fight their own battles with their siblings is quite good for them, as long as they aren't actually hurting each other. It allows them to learn negotiation skills and similar that are an important part of existence. Apparently. Doesn't make it any less annoying to listen too.
As to the rest of it, I guess all I can do is soldier on, and hope we all make it through with our hair intact. And I love nap-time!
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother
Saturday 23 April 2011
Paige and other fights.
So Paige has been EXTREMELY difficult lately. My main thoughts on this have been "well Paige is seven now, so she considers herself the boss" or "Paige is 7 going on 13".
Its been loud, sulky, and full of attitude. Often followed by slamming doors and muttered insults. Its extremely hard not to engage with it, it riles me up something chronic! And she is also very intelligent. This means she is very good at arguing with us, very good at fairly clever comebacks and smart-arsed responses. And very good at realising when the adults we are trying to be suddenly stoop to her level. Therefore we are often losing our power in various situations.
So last week someone gave me a piece of advice that I have tried with limited success. Something I used to do when she was a baby/toddler/preschooler, but somehow have lost over the past couple of years, possibly due to the addition of two very demanding new presences in our family, giving me less time to reflect on the way I deal with her (them). This advice was "validate her feelings, but not her behaviour". So I have been saying, things like "gosh Paige, I can see your really disappointed about that." Which has been great. It takes the angry wind straight out of her attitude, and she suddenly becomes seven again. Ahhh bliss.
Now the problem is what to do with this child that is seven, feeling really unhappy and rebellious, though validated, but who is now not sure what to do with it. Neither am I. There are several options I have considered.
One is to then strip it down, tell her WHY she feels that way, WHY we were angry, WHY we dealt with her the way we did, and what we expect her to do now. Problem with that for me, is I don't feel its helping her to learn to deal with what's going on inside her. I'm not going to be available to analyse what's going on for her when one of her school mates calls her a doodeyhead or similar. So there all she has available to help her are the limited coping skills she already has, along the lines of stamping feet, crying, retaliating. Some of which are useful and valid skills, but as the adult which she will one day be, she needs more than that, doesn't she?
Another one, is to then say something like "well of course you feel that way, you were naughty so I yelled at you and sent you to your room!" I don't really feel that this will help much either. It's a shaming type of thing to say isn't it? Almost a SO THERE type statement, followed closely by "I told you so" and such wonderful phrases make us feel fantastic don't they? I don't want to shame her, I want her to behave herself, but not at the cost of her spirit. She has an amazing personality in there which is very feisty and at times hot-headed, in the end I feel this is a good thing, even if it does mean some colourful arguments!
So the last option I have is to guide her to deal with her feelings and help her figure out what to do about them. This takes the most effort but it is also having the best results. So the course here is to say ok, so your feeling [enter feeling here] why do you think that is? The usual response here is "I don't know" or just a plain old irritating shrug. But when she thinks it through, and with a little guidance she can normally tell me, then we can talk about what she can do about that.
Such as this morning, she felt most unhappy that the twins had gotten their birthday gifts and she wasn't allowed to play with them, so after we had a short discussion we decided that she wouldn't like the twins to play with anything she had just gotten either, and she decided to bring her toy dog and a ball out to play pretend fetch. And let the twins have first go with their new things. Go Paige. Go me.
So then there are the times when I just can't deal with it, and I end up getting mad and shouting at her, or saying something I then feel bad about. Or just sending her to her room till she "decides to behave properly" and I turn into the child feeling like stamping my foot at her. Doh.
I love Nigel Latta's words on this. At the start of his book (Before Your Kids Drive You Crazy, Read This) he talks about how when he was first a psychologist he would tell parents that all they had to do was be consistent, and they would get the child they wanted. Then after he had children, he felt dreadful about his early patronising ways of explaining to parents how easy it was. And now he says "be as consistent as possible".
Thank you Nigel Latta. I will.
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
Its been loud, sulky, and full of attitude. Often followed by slamming doors and muttered insults. Its extremely hard not to engage with it, it riles me up something chronic! And she is also very intelligent. This means she is very good at arguing with us, very good at fairly clever comebacks and smart-arsed responses. And very good at realising when the adults we are trying to be suddenly stoop to her level. Therefore we are often losing our power in various situations.
So last week someone gave me a piece of advice that I have tried with limited success. Something I used to do when she was a baby/toddler/preschooler, but somehow have lost over the past couple of years, possibly due to the addition of two very demanding new presences in our family, giving me less time to reflect on the way I deal with her (them). This advice was "validate her feelings, but not her behaviour". So I have been saying, things like "gosh Paige, I can see your really disappointed about that." Which has been great. It takes the angry wind straight out of her attitude, and she suddenly becomes seven again. Ahhh bliss.
Now the problem is what to do with this child that is seven, feeling really unhappy and rebellious, though validated, but who is now not sure what to do with it. Neither am I. There are several options I have considered.
One is to then strip it down, tell her WHY she feels that way, WHY we were angry, WHY we dealt with her the way we did, and what we expect her to do now. Problem with that for me, is I don't feel its helping her to learn to deal with what's going on inside her. I'm not going to be available to analyse what's going on for her when one of her school mates calls her a doodeyhead or similar. So there all she has available to help her are the limited coping skills she already has, along the lines of stamping feet, crying, retaliating. Some of which are useful and valid skills, but as the adult which she will one day be, she needs more than that, doesn't she?
Another one, is to then say something like "well of course you feel that way, you were naughty so I yelled at you and sent you to your room!" I don't really feel that this will help much either. It's a shaming type of thing to say isn't it? Almost a SO THERE type statement, followed closely by "I told you so" and such wonderful phrases make us feel fantastic don't they? I don't want to shame her, I want her to behave herself, but not at the cost of her spirit. She has an amazing personality in there which is very feisty and at times hot-headed, in the end I feel this is a good thing, even if it does mean some colourful arguments!
So the last option I have is to guide her to deal with her feelings and help her figure out what to do about them. This takes the most effort but it is also having the best results. So the course here is to say ok, so your feeling [enter feeling here] why do you think that is? The usual response here is "I don't know" or just a plain old irritating shrug. But when she thinks it through, and with a little guidance she can normally tell me, then we can talk about what she can do about that.
Such as this morning, she felt most unhappy that the twins had gotten their birthday gifts and she wasn't allowed to play with them, so after we had a short discussion we decided that she wouldn't like the twins to play with anything she had just gotten either, and she decided to bring her toy dog and a ball out to play pretend fetch. And let the twins have first go with their new things. Go Paige. Go me.
So then there are the times when I just can't deal with it, and I end up getting mad and shouting at her, or saying something I then feel bad about. Or just sending her to her room till she "decides to behave properly" and I turn into the child feeling like stamping my foot at her. Doh.
I love Nigel Latta's words on this. At the start of his book (Before Your Kids Drive You Crazy, Read This) he talks about how when he was first a psychologist he would tell parents that all they had to do was be consistent, and they would get the child they wanted. Then after he had children, he felt dreadful about his early patronising ways of explaining to parents how easy it was. And now he says "be as consistent as possible".
Thank you Nigel Latta. I will.
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
Thursday 21 April 2011
The things we say.
When I was putting the kids in the car yesterday after doing the shopping, I saw a fairly pregnant woman, who had a young toddler getting into the car next to me. Before I finished thinking, I turned and said, wow they are going to be close together. She replied, 16 months, its a good age gap.
I went on to say, "it'll be hard for awhile, that close together is harder than twins in my opinion."
What a horrid thing to say!! I did quickly apologise and say I knew she was doing what was right for her and that she would be fine of course, because we all do out best. I also shared with her that people used to say things like that to me and that it was a weird thing to say. I think she was still fairly offended though.
My bad! I hate it when people come up to me and say judgey things without thinking about it. Like if I have an extra child (especially if they are between the ages of Paige and the twins) I almost always get some kind of comment regarding (whether overtly or covertly) my use of contraception. Sometimes I get several. I used to often get asked when I was pregnant when people found out I was having twins, "how are you going to manage?" so imagine my shame to almost say the same thing to someone else?
Some of the questions people ask me are just amusing, the most common being the most amusing of all which is "are they twins?" While I understand its a fairly valid question (and I have been known to ask it myself even since having twins) I still get a little chuckle out of it. And I enjoy coming up with amusing answers that I almost never actually use, like, nah they were have a buy one get one free sale that day. Or (if I have Paige too) no no, they are triplets, but these two have a rare degenerative disease so they never grew beyond the age of two.
There seems to be an interesting thing I have noted with western society compared with the small supposedly "undeveloped" peoples throughout the world, every study I have ever read about them, they live in fairly open groups and the children are simply raised by all the adults together. In our western culture, we live in a more private world, and with that seems to come the mother of all eff-ups, assumption.
I know I am prey to it myself, I walk through the mall and see a woman or family with several children and wonder if they are all theirs, or I see a person screaming abuse at their child and do my very best to reserve my judgement, knowing I don't know what has been going on. Its hard though, its easy to sit on the outside and assume you would handle the situation differently. Or think, I would never have that many children. Or I would not allow my children to dress in those clothes or behave in that manner. Of course the latter two tend to be more the prey of the pre parent than the post parent.
Case in point: I was walking through the mall - heavily pregnant - when these two rather dressed up young girls walked past me and said very loudly "OMG thats so disgusting I would never let something come out of my vagina!!!!!" all I could do there was laugh and unfortunately I didnt think of my great comeback till they were out of earshot which was "well don't let anything in it love".
I think this is a sad by-product of the western privacy tendency to be very closed lipped about how it really is, and the need that we must look like we are coping well. At the end of the day we all go home and shut our doors and our curtains and for all we know the neighbour is beating the crap out of their kids with wooden spoons. Or they might be sitting around the fire having a lovely game of pictionary and laughing their bottoms off.
Then we get up in the morning, go out into the world from our private homes and make assumptions about the people we see.
I hate it when I hear my mind judging. I do my best to constantly remind myself that everyone is different and everyone is doing their best. Then I completely fail myself and say something to some poor mother that for all I know really wanted that age gap between her kids and never expected to have so much comments and flack for it. Or perhaps she fell pregnant accidentally the second time, chose to keep it and is struggling to come to terms with that and comments like mine sure as hell aren't helping. Judgement and assumption then either commenting or acting on it, it neither helps nor does it change what is.
To that mother: Wherever you are, I am truly sorry for my comments, I sincerely hope the rest of your day was fantastic, and I know you are doing your best. As am I.
And I also know, that the old adage "you get what you can cope with" is complete crap, it should be "you cope with what you get" well what else can we do?
Something funny to finish. Once on a rather bad judgement day when my "ten foot twins" (can't get ten feet without another comment) were living up to themselves, I was asked, so are your twins natural or IVF twins?
I was already feeling pretty cross and replied tersely "actually they are plastic." And stalked off. Poor woman.
My other favourite twin moment, was on the same day, when I got the same old common one: "are they twins?" On replying yes, I was asked, "so are they sisters?"
Um no, no they are cousins...
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
I went on to say, "it'll be hard for awhile, that close together is harder than twins in my opinion."
What a horrid thing to say!! I did quickly apologise and say I knew she was doing what was right for her and that she would be fine of course, because we all do out best. I also shared with her that people used to say things like that to me and that it was a weird thing to say. I think she was still fairly offended though.
My bad! I hate it when people come up to me and say judgey things without thinking about it. Like if I have an extra child (especially if they are between the ages of Paige and the twins) I almost always get some kind of comment regarding (whether overtly or covertly) my use of contraception. Sometimes I get several. I used to often get asked when I was pregnant when people found out I was having twins, "how are you going to manage?" so imagine my shame to almost say the same thing to someone else?
Some of the questions people ask me are just amusing, the most common being the most amusing of all which is "are they twins?" While I understand its a fairly valid question (and I have been known to ask it myself even since having twins) I still get a little chuckle out of it. And I enjoy coming up with amusing answers that I almost never actually use, like, nah they were have a buy one get one free sale that day. Or (if I have Paige too) no no, they are triplets, but these two have a rare degenerative disease so they never grew beyond the age of two.
There seems to be an interesting thing I have noted with western society compared with the small supposedly "undeveloped" peoples throughout the world, every study I have ever read about them, they live in fairly open groups and the children are simply raised by all the adults together. In our western culture, we live in a more private world, and with that seems to come the mother of all eff-ups, assumption.
I know I am prey to it myself, I walk through the mall and see a woman or family with several children and wonder if they are all theirs, or I see a person screaming abuse at their child and do my very best to reserve my judgement, knowing I don't know what has been going on. Its hard though, its easy to sit on the outside and assume you would handle the situation differently. Or think, I would never have that many children. Or I would not allow my children to dress in those clothes or behave in that manner. Of course the latter two tend to be more the prey of the pre parent than the post parent.
Case in point: I was walking through the mall - heavily pregnant - when these two rather dressed up young girls walked past me and said very loudly "OMG thats so disgusting I would never let something come out of my vagina!!!!!" all I could do there was laugh and unfortunately I didnt think of my great comeback till they were out of earshot which was "well don't let anything in it love".
I think this is a sad by-product of the western privacy tendency to be very closed lipped about how it really is, and the need that we must look like we are coping well. At the end of the day we all go home and shut our doors and our curtains and for all we know the neighbour is beating the crap out of their kids with wooden spoons. Or they might be sitting around the fire having a lovely game of pictionary and laughing their bottoms off.
Then we get up in the morning, go out into the world from our private homes and make assumptions about the people we see.
I hate it when I hear my mind judging. I do my best to constantly remind myself that everyone is different and everyone is doing their best. Then I completely fail myself and say something to some poor mother that for all I know really wanted that age gap between her kids and never expected to have so much comments and flack for it. Or perhaps she fell pregnant accidentally the second time, chose to keep it and is struggling to come to terms with that and comments like mine sure as hell aren't helping. Judgement and assumption then either commenting or acting on it, it neither helps nor does it change what is.
To that mother: Wherever you are, I am truly sorry for my comments, I sincerely hope the rest of your day was fantastic, and I know you are doing your best. As am I.
And I also know, that the old adage "you get what you can cope with" is complete crap, it should be "you cope with what you get" well what else can we do?
Something funny to finish. Once on a rather bad judgement day when my "ten foot twins" (can't get ten feet without another comment) were living up to themselves, I was asked, so are your twins natural or IVF twins?
I was already feeling pretty cross and replied tersely "actually they are plastic." And stalked off. Poor woman.
My other favourite twin moment, was on the same day, when I got the same old common one: "are they twins?" On replying yes, I was asked, "so are they sisters?"
Um no, no they are cousins...
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
Things and stuff (working title)
So today has been a long and hard day.
It started fairly well, with the usual morning stuff. Paige had stayed at her Maternal Grandmothers last night and was due back "early" which turned out to be 9:30! I needed to go grocery shopping, and if I had thought about it I would have picked her up on my way past. But I didn't think about it.
So come 9:25 I getting kinda edgy, since I had said I would take care of a friends son this afternoon and I wanted to go to the nearest Pak'n'Save for my grocery shopping, which was a 25 minute drive each way. I also wanted to be home on time for the twins to take their nap. This was to be a fairly hard shopping outing as it was because we didn't have as much budget as usual and I had to shop both for Easter and the twins birthday party which is this weekend. As well as the usual grocery's! ACK
Thankfully Paige showed up 5 min's later and I threw the kids in the car and off we drove, thank goodness we had a stop to make partway where I realised I had left my wallet behind. 15 minutes back home, and by now (10:30) I knew I had no hope of getting to the pak'n'save and back by lunch time. So to the local (and more expensive) supermarket we went.
I had been texting my friend (who's son I was having) and thankfully she was running fairly late too. And also happened to be heading to the local shopping centre, where there was a free crafts expo for kids available while parents shopped. Ahh lovely. Dropped Paige in there, much more fun than following mum around while she shopped! Me and the twins did the grocery's.
Interesting how fate deals us a good hand. There were a lot of perfect specials available and I partook of them all. Managed to get (almost) everything we needed for the week and the twins party within budget. I met up with my friend and we had a nice chat (and the kids got their free ice creams and we got our free coffees provided by the craft expo) then it was time to go home. I took the lad, since they were there, and then had the clever idea that I would clean out the pantry.
YUCK I don't remember when I last cleaned it out... but it was some time ago. And of course RIGHT down in the bottom under all the rubble were some liquidised kumera that somehow got missed during one of my quick clean outs. So I had a nice smelly gooey mess to peel off the bottom of the pantry, then a puddle of slick tar to scrub off. Joyful. And to top that off, a pair of ladies whom drop in from time to time to have a yarn and see how I'm doing showed up!!! ARGH I raced out to head them off at the pass, NO ONE was coming into my house at that moment!!!!!
So an hour later, and having used vinegar, teatree oil, jif, dishwashing liquid, and disinfectant, the pantry is looking a lot better, the friend has been and gone to collect the extra, and I begin the rest of the kitchen. The ladies re-appear! (as according to the arrangement that they would give me an hour to feel ready to receive visitors) and the lovely things took over and did my dishes.
So I felt the day ended rather well, an up and down sort of day. With everything kind of falling into place. Interesting how that happens sometimes eh?
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother
It started fairly well, with the usual morning stuff. Paige had stayed at her Maternal Grandmothers last night and was due back "early" which turned out to be 9:30! I needed to go grocery shopping, and if I had thought about it I would have picked her up on my way past. But I didn't think about it.
So come 9:25 I getting kinda edgy, since I had said I would take care of a friends son this afternoon and I wanted to go to the nearest Pak'n'Save for my grocery shopping, which was a 25 minute drive each way. I also wanted to be home on time for the twins to take their nap. This was to be a fairly hard shopping outing as it was because we didn't have as much budget as usual and I had to shop both for Easter and the twins birthday party which is this weekend. As well as the usual grocery's! ACK
Thankfully Paige showed up 5 min's later and I threw the kids in the car and off we drove, thank goodness we had a stop to make partway where I realised I had left my wallet behind. 15 minutes back home, and by now (10:30) I knew I had no hope of getting to the pak'n'save and back by lunch time. So to the local (and more expensive) supermarket we went.
I had been texting my friend (who's son I was having) and thankfully she was running fairly late too. And also happened to be heading to the local shopping centre, where there was a free crafts expo for kids available while parents shopped. Ahh lovely. Dropped Paige in there, much more fun than following mum around while she shopped! Me and the twins did the grocery's.
Interesting how fate deals us a good hand. There were a lot of perfect specials available and I partook of them all. Managed to get (almost) everything we needed for the week and the twins party within budget. I met up with my friend and we had a nice chat (and the kids got their free ice creams and we got our free coffees provided by the craft expo) then it was time to go home. I took the lad, since they were there, and then had the clever idea that I would clean out the pantry.
YUCK I don't remember when I last cleaned it out... but it was some time ago. And of course RIGHT down in the bottom under all the rubble were some liquidised kumera that somehow got missed during one of my quick clean outs. So I had a nice smelly gooey mess to peel off the bottom of the pantry, then a puddle of slick tar to scrub off. Joyful. And to top that off, a pair of ladies whom drop in from time to time to have a yarn and see how I'm doing showed up!!! ARGH I raced out to head them off at the pass, NO ONE was coming into my house at that moment!!!!!
So an hour later, and having used vinegar, teatree oil, jif, dishwashing liquid, and disinfectant, the pantry is looking a lot better, the friend has been and gone to collect the extra, and I begin the rest of the kitchen. The ladies re-appear! (as according to the arrangement that they would give me an hour to feel ready to receive visitors) and the lovely things took over and did my dishes.
So I felt the day ended rather well, an up and down sort of day. With everything kind of falling into place. Interesting how that happens sometimes eh?
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother
Monday 18 April 2011
Favouritism
Its a tricky subject. I think favouritism is the wrong word though. If someone were to watch our family for a week they might say that I favour Paige and Annabelle, and Don favours Kaisey, but they couldn't be more wrong.
Kaisey is very much a daddy's girl, she adores her daddy more than anyone else on the planet except perhaps her twin sister. When her father went back to mainstream work after being at home for almost a year she cried for 2 weeks, I kid you not. The other thing Kaisey needs as much as her father is her space. She will sit quietly in a corner and play on her own for ages. I tend to leave her to it, and she prefers it that way.
Annabelle on the other hand, is a mummy's girl. She spends most of her time following me around, sitting at my feet, or on my knee. She often brings me a book to read or a pair of shoes she wants me to put on her. If she's not following me around she is often copying what I am doing. She requires a lot more attention than Kaisey, but she too will spend a decent amount of time playing on her own.
Paige is a different matter altogether. She has a lot of trouble entertaining herself. When she isn't being entertained by me or Don she wants to either watch tv or play on the computer. She had me completely to herself for three years before Don came on the scene and she was used to that. Hard act to join, we were a tight little clique. Don, however, has worked very hard at spending special time with her and they now have a strong relationship, but even now, Paige's habit is to say "Mum" rather than "Don". If we want some time off her we usually have to order her to entertain herself. And we also often need to remind her to leave the twins alone when they don't want to play. She is 7 which seems to mean (in this house) pre-teen, her attitude and sulky-ness would rival your average 13 year old, and she requires a lot of energy to get her to complete tasks we set her.
Is this favouritism? I don't think so, I think it is knowing our children are different and that they have different needs. I think it is giving our children the different things they need, space, time, attention, direction. What people might view from the outside as favouritism may very well be simply the unique dynamic within our family. Some children need space to sort themselves out, while others might need a cuddle. I feel its an important part of parenting to be sensitive to that and respond in the way your children need, rather than the way all the "experts" tell us too. The "experts" have never met my kids, they don't know them.
So sure, you can say I favour my kids. You can say what you like. What I know is, my children are generally happy, and cared for. And I treat them in the individual ways that they need.... usually.
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
Kaisey is very much a daddy's girl, she adores her daddy more than anyone else on the planet except perhaps her twin sister. When her father went back to mainstream work after being at home for almost a year she cried for 2 weeks, I kid you not. The other thing Kaisey needs as much as her father is her space. She will sit quietly in a corner and play on her own for ages. I tend to leave her to it, and she prefers it that way.
Annabelle on the other hand, is a mummy's girl. She spends most of her time following me around, sitting at my feet, or on my knee. She often brings me a book to read or a pair of shoes she wants me to put on her. If she's not following me around she is often copying what I am doing. She requires a lot more attention than Kaisey, but she too will spend a decent amount of time playing on her own.
Paige is a different matter altogether. She has a lot of trouble entertaining herself. When she isn't being entertained by me or Don she wants to either watch tv or play on the computer. She had me completely to herself for three years before Don came on the scene and she was used to that. Hard act to join, we were a tight little clique. Don, however, has worked very hard at spending special time with her and they now have a strong relationship, but even now, Paige's habit is to say "Mum" rather than "Don". If we want some time off her we usually have to order her to entertain herself. And we also often need to remind her to leave the twins alone when they don't want to play. She is 7 which seems to mean (in this house) pre-teen, her attitude and sulky-ness would rival your average 13 year old, and she requires a lot of energy to get her to complete tasks we set her.
Is this favouritism? I don't think so, I think it is knowing our children are different and that they have different needs. I think it is giving our children the different things they need, space, time, attention, direction. What people might view from the outside as favouritism may very well be simply the unique dynamic within our family. Some children need space to sort themselves out, while others might need a cuddle. I feel its an important part of parenting to be sensitive to that and respond in the way your children need, rather than the way all the "experts" tell us too. The "experts" have never met my kids, they don't know them.
So sure, you can say I favour my kids. You can say what you like. What I know is, my children are generally happy, and cared for. And I treat them in the individual ways that they need.... usually.
xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.
Sunday 17 April 2011
So that was dumb.
This morning I decided to try the twins on Weetbix, they normally have toast and a banana, but they have been not really eating it lately so I thought I should try something new, and they eat yoghurt pretty well. Paiges usual breakfast is weetbix so the idea came to me and I thought, why not?
I'll tell you why not:
One of my pet hates as a mother is sitting there feeding kids food, staring at them chew away holding a bowl of mush and a baby spoon waiting for the next moment to shove it in their mouths is possibly one of the most boring things on the planet. I have, in the past, sung songs, played the choo choo train game or the nweeeeehm airplane game. Its ALL boring. My kids all get moved onto finger foods as quickly as possible, and usually I prefer to clean up the mess after that and let them learn by practise how to feed themselves rather than bore myself to tears sitting there feeding them.
I am (unfortunately) a smoker, so my usual practice in the mornings is to provide my kids with a meal, make myself a coffee and pop outside to read my book, today was no exception. This is a very nice start to my day, usually. The downside being I have no idea whats going on inside...
Today I come in, there is soggy weetbix scattered on the wall, floor and carpet, two bowls covered inside and out with soggy weetbix are upturned, one on the carpet and one on the floor. The twins both have weetbix in their hair, covering their hands and faces, and all over the front of their pajamas and their sleeves, and all over the highchair trays which they are pushing around with their hands. Laughing.
I must admit I used a curse word at this moment.
Usually in this situation I would throw them in the bath, however we were due to take them to kindy in 10 minutes, so no time for that. I stood staring at them mentally scanning trouble shooting ideas (all the while the twins continue to laugh and play with the soggy weetbix, and Paige helpfully pipes up "they are messy, mum"... thanks dear, I hadn't noticed.)
There was nothing for it, I had to dive in, I turned on the hot tap, soaked a teatowel in it, added a tiny bit of soap and mixed it in as best I could then undressed the girls in their highchairs. I washed them down, then dressed them and, ignoring the rest of the mess, threw all three kids in the car and off we went.
One of the downsides to working from home (and having your office in your open-plan living/dining/kitchen room) is that you don't have blinkers. It is very difficult to sit there, with a messy house staring at you and ignoring it and getting on with your WORK work. I find it at times impossible to focus in that situation and often all I can do is get the other stuff done and sit back down. But I have only got "school" hours 3 days a week to do my business work in, and it is a fairly busy business. Today I am trying to ignore the horrible mess my children made this morning (although I have thrown the clothes in the washer) but I fear it is a losing battle...
And the conclusion? The twins will be back to toast and a banana tomorrow...
xx The Ramblings on Another Mother.
I'll tell you why not:
One of my pet hates as a mother is sitting there feeding kids food, staring at them chew away holding a bowl of mush and a baby spoon waiting for the next moment to shove it in their mouths is possibly one of the most boring things on the planet. I have, in the past, sung songs, played the choo choo train game or the nweeeeehm airplane game. Its ALL boring. My kids all get moved onto finger foods as quickly as possible, and usually I prefer to clean up the mess after that and let them learn by practise how to feed themselves rather than bore myself to tears sitting there feeding them.
I am (unfortunately) a smoker, so my usual practice in the mornings is to provide my kids with a meal, make myself a coffee and pop outside to read my book, today was no exception. This is a very nice start to my day, usually. The downside being I have no idea whats going on inside...
Today I come in, there is soggy weetbix scattered on the wall, floor and carpet, two bowls covered inside and out with soggy weetbix are upturned, one on the carpet and one on the floor. The twins both have weetbix in their hair, covering their hands and faces, and all over the front of their pajamas and their sleeves, and all over the highchair trays which they are pushing around with their hands. Laughing.
I must admit I used a curse word at this moment.
Usually in this situation I would throw them in the bath, however we were due to take them to kindy in 10 minutes, so no time for that. I stood staring at them mentally scanning trouble shooting ideas (all the while the twins continue to laugh and play with the soggy weetbix, and Paige helpfully pipes up "they are messy, mum"... thanks dear, I hadn't noticed.)
There was nothing for it, I had to dive in, I turned on the hot tap, soaked a teatowel in it, added a tiny bit of soap and mixed it in as best I could then undressed the girls in their highchairs. I washed them down, then dressed them and, ignoring the rest of the mess, threw all three kids in the car and off we went.
One of the downsides to working from home (and having your office in your open-plan living/dining/kitchen room) is that you don't have blinkers. It is very difficult to sit there, with a messy house staring at you and ignoring it and getting on with your WORK work. I find it at times impossible to focus in that situation and often all I can do is get the other stuff done and sit back down. But I have only got "school" hours 3 days a week to do my business work in, and it is a fairly busy business. Today I am trying to ignore the horrible mess my children made this morning (although I have thrown the clothes in the washer) but I fear it is a losing battle...
And the conclusion? The twins will be back to toast and a banana tomorrow...
xx The Ramblings on Another Mother.
Saturday 16 April 2011
So, the twins are turning two in 11 days. I try rather hard not to let the memories of their birth plague me, but it can be difficult. It was difficult last year too. I find it hard because it was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I would never put on my kids that it is their fault - I DONT think it is their fault at all, it was the hospital staff that treated me like crap and caused me to "miss" the birth of twin two (Annabelle). They actually went to the point of calling my midwife and asking her to "placate" me to try and stop me making a fairly serious complaint. Which I actually never did. The only reason I really wanted to was to stop other women being treated the way I was. I was happy that my girls came through healthy, if not entirely unscathed, and even if I didn't get to meet them until they were almost 4 hours old, they are here and safe. (which is reasonable common in twin, premature births I think).
I think the strongest feeling I took away with me that hospitals are not a place for birth, at least not for me. I felt, more so in the twins birth then Paiges, that the medical staff were not prepared to listen to me, as the woman who was most in touch with these little babies and her own body. I also felt they were way to ready to get in there with their knives and cut. (granted the caesarean never actually did occur, but they were going to and they put me under a general anaesthetic in preparation.) they did not listen when I said, its okay, I know it is, give it (the baby) a minute. No they had to charge ahead and do what they felt was necessary. Turns out is wasn't, because once I was under the general, and (even though I had asked them to please do it first) then did the scan and internal examinations to see where she was, which was in the birth canal. Which means she was happily on her way, but now, since I was unconscious and unable to push, they ripped her out with forceps, which apparently traumatised the staff, and in the process broke her collarbone.
Bottom line, they panicked, they neglected to get my permission to take me and put me under and give me the ceaser, which I would not have done. I knew everything was ok. Annabelle was more ready to come out than Kaisey was! Kaisey was the one who had the tougher time in scbu (special care baby unit) and she is the one that has so far been further delayed, and been generally sicker. I really do attribute this to her early birth. We joke that Annabelle was so ready to come she kicked Kaisey out of the way.
So the strongest impression I take away from this is that IF we decide to have any more kids (and the juries out on that till further notice) I will NOT go near a hospital for birth. I would most prefer to give birth at home, but that scares DH so it will most likely be the nearest birthing centre. That is IF we go down that road.
But now, almost two years on, we have these two gorgeous girls that fill our house with noise and fun daily. They keep us on our toes and keep us laughing. So in the end the final conclusion would be, as my new mantra is at the moment. The hospital staff did the best they could with what they had at the time. What else could they do. For all they knew, had they delayed in action we may have lost Annabelle. Deep in my heart I know that would not have been the case, but I cant in the end blame hospital staff for taking action and doing their best. They are only human after all.
I sincerely hope that the staff at the hospital did review my case, what happened, and how they might have handled it better, I know my midwife (who did not make it in time for the birth) was extremely angry, being very very strong on listening to what the women say, and may have requested it. If she was allowed.
The thing that hurts women the most during the birth process, is not the pain, its the feeling of losing control. This is a process that is very personal, and very special, but as soon as the mother loses her sense of control, it becomes terrifying, the thing I remember most strongly about my twins birth was the haste, there was no time to think, no time to choose it was "this is what is happening and there is no choice". The pain is bearable, but feeling like the experience is being robbed from you is heartbreaking.
I don't think this entry had anything holding it together, but it was a good processor for me, to go through the points of distress and to explore that, and finally realise that I have forgiven the staff. Which I didn't think I had. So I guess this entry really was:
The Ramblings of Another Mother. xx
Friday 15 April 2011
2 posts in on day one.
Lol I believe that's called early excitement. For me, who is (yes I admit it) a very opinionated person, the idea that I can now air my views publicly and (reasonably) anonymously is extremely enticing. Although, while I am strong in my views, I do my very best to avoid judging other people, I try to explain how I feel without acting as if I expect them to adhere to that or believe the same as I do.
One thing I have a strong opinion on is the anti-smacking law which passed legislation in New Zealand a few years ago. I believe I am one of the few people who supported it whole heartedly. And still do.
As far as I am aware, the main reason for passing this law was to dis-allow offending abusive guardians from getting away with it. I have heard over the years of extreme cases where a loop-hole in the previous laws were used through which abusers of children leapt out of trouble. In one case I heard of a woman beat her son repeatedly with a 2X4 piece of wood and broke both his legs, she must have had some cracking good and ethically challenged lawyer because she got off as she somehow convinced the courts this was "reasonable force".
Now I have not read the law, I am not a lawyer or a law student, or anything. But everything I read and heard about this law when it was being discussed as possible legislation sounded to me like it was protecting children from further harm. These little people that make up a good 35% of our population and have no real voice of their own, they have adults who speak for them. And so they should, they are children, and cannot really function at an adult level. What they need most is someone (or in my opinion) many someones, that have done their absolute best to understand their needs from their perspective and bring them to the adult table. This law to me sounds like adults doing their best to protect childrens rights. The right to be safe.
Many I have spoken to about my feelings over this have said, its prosecuting normal parents, just for using normal discipline methods. And its not going to stop the ones that are abusing. Maybe not, but its a good start. I believe if one adult that would have abused a child thinks about the new prosecution they might face and stops, and finds help. Then the whole thing was worth it wasn't it. That's one less abused child in a country where a child is killed by abuse every 5 weeks. That's ten children a year. Ten children too many. As to the other, that its prosecuting normal parents. The worst I have heard so far (apart from that guy in Christchurch who twacked his kid on the ear, and I'm not convinced the media didn't turn him into an underdog) is the parents get sentenced to anger management and parenting courses.
Big deal. Parenting is so tough I would (personally) jump at the chance to get more ideas and more methods of dealing with the little devils that are over running my life on a daily basis! Although I'm not about to walk into a police station and smack my child to get it :-P
The next step, now that the law is in place and we have (pretty much) accepted it, is parenting support. And for struggling parents to not feel ashamed to ask for help. I know there is amazing work happening all over this country reaching out to parents with little support and little resources. But I also know there is a stigma of weakness attributed to anyone in this country who admits they are struggling. This saddens me immensely. How many people are even turning this help away and trying to make out they are fine? I know I have been guilty of it in the past. The worst part of that is eventually people stop offering.
Its a hard job parenting, and while I would NEVER condone abusing any child, I can see how easy it would be to lose it and go too far, if you do not have anywhere else you think you can go or any idea how to handle the incredibly strong feelings that rise up inside you just at the sight of these little beings that rely entirely on you for survival - thats the scariest thing in the whole damn world. And then they scream. And scream, and scream and you don't know why. And we lose it.
I guess the "perfect" parent, to me, is one that knows their limitations, and is not ashamed of them. Just three words and (particularly for kiwis) the hardest in the world.
I NEED HELP
Finally I have a question. If the media had taken the law and called it "The Child Protection Act" instead of "The Anti-Smacking Law" would you have supported it? Interesting what words can do isn't it?
xx the ramblings of another mother.
One thing I have a strong opinion on is the anti-smacking law which passed legislation in New Zealand a few years ago. I believe I am one of the few people who supported it whole heartedly. And still do.
As far as I am aware, the main reason for passing this law was to dis-allow offending abusive guardians from getting away with it. I have heard over the years of extreme cases where a loop-hole in the previous laws were used through which abusers of children leapt out of trouble. In one case I heard of a woman beat her son repeatedly with a 2X4 piece of wood and broke both his legs, she must have had some cracking good and ethically challenged lawyer because she got off as she somehow convinced the courts this was "reasonable force".
Now I have not read the law, I am not a lawyer or a law student, or anything. But everything I read and heard about this law when it was being discussed as possible legislation sounded to me like it was protecting children from further harm. These little people that make up a good 35% of our population and have no real voice of their own, they have adults who speak for them. And so they should, they are children, and cannot really function at an adult level. What they need most is someone (or in my opinion) many someones, that have done their absolute best to understand their needs from their perspective and bring them to the adult table. This law to me sounds like adults doing their best to protect childrens rights. The right to be safe.
Many I have spoken to about my feelings over this have said, its prosecuting normal parents, just for using normal discipline methods. And its not going to stop the ones that are abusing. Maybe not, but its a good start. I believe if one adult that would have abused a child thinks about the new prosecution they might face and stops, and finds help. Then the whole thing was worth it wasn't it. That's one less abused child in a country where a child is killed by abuse every 5 weeks. That's ten children a year. Ten children too many. As to the other, that its prosecuting normal parents. The worst I have heard so far (apart from that guy in Christchurch who twacked his kid on the ear, and I'm not convinced the media didn't turn him into an underdog) is the parents get sentenced to anger management and parenting courses.
Big deal. Parenting is so tough I would (personally) jump at the chance to get more ideas and more methods of dealing with the little devils that are over running my life on a daily basis! Although I'm not about to walk into a police station and smack my child to get it :-P
The next step, now that the law is in place and we have (pretty much) accepted it, is parenting support. And for struggling parents to not feel ashamed to ask for help. I know there is amazing work happening all over this country reaching out to parents with little support and little resources. But I also know there is a stigma of weakness attributed to anyone in this country who admits they are struggling. This saddens me immensely. How many people are even turning this help away and trying to make out they are fine? I know I have been guilty of it in the past. The worst part of that is eventually people stop offering.
Its a hard job parenting, and while I would NEVER condone abusing any child, I can see how easy it would be to lose it and go too far, if you do not have anywhere else you think you can go or any idea how to handle the incredibly strong feelings that rise up inside you just at the sight of these little beings that rely entirely on you for survival - thats the scariest thing in the whole damn world. And then they scream. And scream, and scream and you don't know why. And we lose it.
I guess the "perfect" parent, to me, is one that knows their limitations, and is not ashamed of them. Just three words and (particularly for kiwis) the hardest in the world.
I NEED HELP
Finally I have a question. If the media had taken the law and called it "The Child Protection Act" instead of "The Anti-Smacking Law" would you have supported it? Interesting what words can do isn't it?
xx the ramblings of another mother.
Hello all
I guess to start I should introduce myself. I am a proud mummy of three little girls, Paige aged 7 and twins Kaisey and Annabelle aged almost 2. I am currently 26 years old (yes I was a teen mother too) I live in the beautiful country New Zealand, and I run a business from home. I have a loving husband, though I was also a solo mother for 3 years before we met. The eldest daughter goes to her father for the usual fortnightly weekend and also on Wednesdays.
I really wanted to start this blog to be an honest review of the profession of working motherhood. Especially with all the hundreds of people telling us how to do it, and it seems impossible to keep up.
I do not intend to teach you all the way to parent, nor do I intend to slag off the ways we parent. We are all different, we are all doing our best. What else can we do? I do want to share any tips I come across that have worked for me, sometimes once, sometimes more than once, but these clever little buggars I am trying to raise kick me to the curb eventually every time. I guess all I can do is pick myself up, put a sticking plaster on my bruised ego, regroup and make a new strategy.
I am far from perfect, and to start off I want to share a day this week that just went really badly. It was Thursday morning, Paige (the eldest) had been taken to school by her paternal grandmother as usual, and it started at 6:50am when I was woken up by a phonecall from one of my work contacts. Now Tuesdays and Thurdays are my days "off" but when you are the boss (and only) there is rarely nothing to do on those days. This call was actually one I had been waiting for for almost a week so I was pleased to get it, and put on my most awake and together voice, struggled out of bed and went into the twins bedroom. Annabelle had kindly removed all her clothes and was grinning at me rather proudly, and Kaisey saw me and said "mama -up!" Kaisey does not like to be picked up and put on the floor, she likes to be carried to the living room (I should note here that Kaisey is not walking yet) so she had to wait while I continued my professional conversation and attempted to get some clothes on Annabelle, then (still on the phone) proceded to the kitchen, where I washed last nights dinner off the highchairs and attempted to remember prices and order lists. Lasts nights dinner was bloody messy! And CAKED in place... In the end I got the brush and shovel and attempted to use that. Cos that was really clever.... now I have a brush covered in sticky sauce to wash and still rather grubby highchairs. At this point Annabelle attaches herself to my leg, Kaisey lays down behind me and they both start to yell.
So there I am, on the phone, trying to sound very professional and together, with two yelling toddlers at my feet, a sticky brush in my hand and (I'm sure) an extremely panicked expression.
Needless to say I politely asked if I could ring back, hung up the phone and had to take several deep breaths to avoid screaming.
The day continued in this fashion. They twins simply wanted me to play, and I did my best, they were happy when i was on the floor playing with them, happy if I sat and watched tv with them, but as soon as I went to deal with anything else it was like a couple of very loud elephants were stampeding inside my living room, trumpeting at the top of their lungs. As the morning wore on I slowly got tenser and tenser until by eleven I was ready to throw them out of our nicely positioned windows, that have a ten foot or so drop onto concrete - ahhh silence!
Somehow I didn't throw them out the window, I threw them in the car instead, and drove to my mothers house. My elephants immediately settled quietly into mice impressions. Bloody little buggers.
My very kind mother offered to keep them for the afternoon, and I jumped at the chance, till I realised I had left the portacots in my husbands car, therefore they were at his work. Sigh.
So instead she kept them for lunch so I was able to go run my many errands at the mall on my lonesome. Any mother reading this will right now breath a sigh of relief (or envy) at the thought of driving to the mall, simply getting out of the car, locking it and walking away.
Mind you, my errands included getting nappys, we buy them from the cheap nappy shop at our local mall, they come in packs of 72, and today I was buying two of them because kindy required some more. In my infinite wisdom I parked the car on the opposite side of the mall, and had to carry two massive nappy packets which, being cheap, have no handles, and are wrapped in cheap easily ripped plastic. So I had to hug them as I walked. I'm sure I was quite the sight, I'm sure I saw a bunch of glamorous teenage girls pointing and laughing at me as I went through the food court!
So the day was fairly uneventful after that, I picked the twins up, and put them into bed for nap, then continued to work away at the big job my company has coming up next week. Meanwhile the washing sat unwashed, the dishes sat unwashed, the many many toys strewn through my living room sat untidied. And I felt guilty as hell that I didn't want to do ANY of it, I didn't really want to work either, but, cos I am a grown up (apparently) I did it. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
And my last little thing, before I go I would like to share a tip, one I was given by a psychic I met recently, is one that has so far worked several times. They haven't figured out how to thwart me yet. One point for the mother.
If the toddler is yelling and you know its not really real, its just, I'm yelling cos I can, put your hand on the top of their head, about one or two centimetres from their hairline, and count to ten, then swap it with your other hand and count to ten. I have no idea why, but it stops the crying, I haven't had it work for me if they are ACTUALLY upset about something, so I have found its also a good test, if it doesn't work, further action is required! I have also found this is good when Annabelle gets really clumsy. Tends to kind of put her back in herself I guess lol.
Well thanks for reading my first blog entry. I hope you enjoyed it!! Till next time xx
The Ramblings of Another Mother
I really wanted to start this blog to be an honest review of the profession of working motherhood. Especially with all the hundreds of people telling us how to do it, and it seems impossible to keep up.
I do not intend to teach you all the way to parent, nor do I intend to slag off the ways we parent. We are all different, we are all doing our best. What else can we do? I do want to share any tips I come across that have worked for me, sometimes once, sometimes more than once, but these clever little buggars I am trying to raise kick me to the curb eventually every time. I guess all I can do is pick myself up, put a sticking plaster on my bruised ego, regroup and make a new strategy.
I am far from perfect, and to start off I want to share a day this week that just went really badly. It was Thursday morning, Paige (the eldest) had been taken to school by her paternal grandmother as usual, and it started at 6:50am when I was woken up by a phonecall from one of my work contacts. Now Tuesdays and Thurdays are my days "off" but when you are the boss (and only) there is rarely nothing to do on those days. This call was actually one I had been waiting for for almost a week so I was pleased to get it, and put on my most awake and together voice, struggled out of bed and went into the twins bedroom. Annabelle had kindly removed all her clothes and was grinning at me rather proudly, and Kaisey saw me and said "mama -up!" Kaisey does not like to be picked up and put on the floor, she likes to be carried to the living room (I should note here that Kaisey is not walking yet) so she had to wait while I continued my professional conversation and attempted to get some clothes on Annabelle, then (still on the phone) proceded to the kitchen, where I washed last nights dinner off the highchairs and attempted to remember prices and order lists. Lasts nights dinner was bloody messy! And CAKED in place... In the end I got the brush and shovel and attempted to use that. Cos that was really clever.... now I have a brush covered in sticky sauce to wash and still rather grubby highchairs. At this point Annabelle attaches herself to my leg, Kaisey lays down behind me and they both start to yell.
So there I am, on the phone, trying to sound very professional and together, with two yelling toddlers at my feet, a sticky brush in my hand and (I'm sure) an extremely panicked expression.
Needless to say I politely asked if I could ring back, hung up the phone and had to take several deep breaths to avoid screaming.
The day continued in this fashion. They twins simply wanted me to play, and I did my best, they were happy when i was on the floor playing with them, happy if I sat and watched tv with them, but as soon as I went to deal with anything else it was like a couple of very loud elephants were stampeding inside my living room, trumpeting at the top of their lungs. As the morning wore on I slowly got tenser and tenser until by eleven I was ready to throw them out of our nicely positioned windows, that have a ten foot or so drop onto concrete - ahhh silence!
Somehow I didn't throw them out the window, I threw them in the car instead, and drove to my mothers house. My elephants immediately settled quietly into mice impressions. Bloody little buggers.
My very kind mother offered to keep them for the afternoon, and I jumped at the chance, till I realised I had left the portacots in my husbands car, therefore they were at his work. Sigh.
So instead she kept them for lunch so I was able to go run my many errands at the mall on my lonesome. Any mother reading this will right now breath a sigh of relief (or envy) at the thought of driving to the mall, simply getting out of the car, locking it and walking away.
Mind you, my errands included getting nappys, we buy them from the cheap nappy shop at our local mall, they come in packs of 72, and today I was buying two of them because kindy required some more. In my infinite wisdom I parked the car on the opposite side of the mall, and had to carry two massive nappy packets which, being cheap, have no handles, and are wrapped in cheap easily ripped plastic. So I had to hug them as I walked. I'm sure I was quite the sight, I'm sure I saw a bunch of glamorous teenage girls pointing and laughing at me as I went through the food court!
So the day was fairly uneventful after that, I picked the twins up, and put them into bed for nap, then continued to work away at the big job my company has coming up next week. Meanwhile the washing sat unwashed, the dishes sat unwashed, the many many toys strewn through my living room sat untidied. And I felt guilty as hell that I didn't want to do ANY of it, I didn't really want to work either, but, cos I am a grown up (apparently) I did it. Sometimes I hate being a grown up.
And my last little thing, before I go I would like to share a tip, one I was given by a psychic I met recently, is one that has so far worked several times. They haven't figured out how to thwart me yet. One point for the mother.
If the toddler is yelling and you know its not really real, its just, I'm yelling cos I can, put your hand on the top of their head, about one or two centimetres from their hairline, and count to ten, then swap it with your other hand and count to ten. I have no idea why, but it stops the crying, I haven't had it work for me if they are ACTUALLY upset about something, so I have found its also a good test, if it doesn't work, further action is required! I have also found this is good when Annabelle gets really clumsy. Tends to kind of put her back in herself I guess lol.
Well thanks for reading my first blog entry. I hope you enjoyed it!! Till next time xx
The Ramblings of Another Mother
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