The Ramblings of Another Mother

So, the twins are turning two in 11 days. I try rather hard not to let the memories of their birth plague me, but it can be difficult. It was difficult last year too. I find it hard because it was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I would never put on my kids that it is their fault - I DONT think it is their fault at all, it was the hospital staff that treated me like crap and caused me to "miss" the birth of twin two (Annabelle). They actually went to the point of calling my midwife and asking her to "placate" me to try and stop me making a fairly serious complaint. Which I actually never did. The only reason I really wanted to was to stop other women being treated the way I was. I was happy that my girls came through healthy, if not entirely unscathed, and even if I didn't get to meet them until they were almost 4 hours old, they are here and safe. (which is reasonable common in twin, premature births I think).

I think the strongest feeling I took away with me that hospitals are not a place for birth, at least not for me. I felt, more so in the twins birth then Paiges, that the medical staff were not prepared to listen to me, as the woman who was most in touch with these little babies and her own body. I also felt they were way to ready to get in there with their knives and cut. (granted the caesarean never actually did occur, but they were going to and they put me under a general anaesthetic in preparation.) they did not listen when I said, its okay, I know it is, give it (the baby) a minute. No they had to charge ahead and do what they felt was necessary. Turns out is wasn't, because once I was under the general, and (even though I had asked them to please do it first) then did the scan and internal examinations to see where she was, which was in the birth canal. Which means she was happily on her way, but now, since I was unconscious and unable to push, they ripped her out with forceps, which apparently traumatised the staff, and in the process broke her collarbone. 

Bottom line, they panicked, they neglected to get my permission to take me and put me under and give me the ceaser, which I would not have done. I knew everything was ok. Annabelle was more ready to come out than Kaisey was! Kaisey was the one who had the tougher time in scbu (special care baby unit) and she is the one that has so far been further delayed, and been generally sicker. I really do attribute this to her early birth. We joke that Annabelle was so ready to come she kicked Kaisey out of the way. 

So the strongest impression I take away from this is that IF we decide to have any more kids (and the juries out on that till further notice) I will NOT go near a hospital for birth. I would most prefer to give birth at home, but that scares DH so it will most likely be the nearest birthing centre. That is IF we go down that road. 

But now, almost two years on, we have these two gorgeous girls that fill our house with noise and fun daily. They keep us on our toes and keep us laughing. So in the end the final conclusion would be, as my new mantra is at the moment. The hospital staff did the best they could with what they had at the time. What else could they do. For all they knew, had they delayed in action we may have lost Annabelle. Deep in my heart I know that would not have been the case, but I cant in the end blame hospital staff for taking action and doing their best. They are only human after all. 

I sincerely hope that the staff at the hospital did review my case, what happened, and how they might have handled it better, I know my midwife (who did not make it in time for the birth) was extremely angry, being very very strong on listening to what the women say, and may have requested it. If she was allowed. 

The thing that hurts women the most during the birth process, is not the pain, its the feeling of losing control. This is a process that is very personal, and very special, but as soon as the mother loses her sense of control, it becomes terrifying, the thing I remember most strongly about my twins birth was the haste, there was no time to think, no time to choose it was "this is what is happening and there is no choice". The pain is bearable, but feeling like the experience is being robbed from you is heartbreaking. 

I don't think this entry had anything holding it together, but it was a good processor for me, to go through the points of distress and to explore that, and finally realise that I have forgiven the staff. Which I didn't think I had. So I guess this entry really was:

The Ramblings of Another Mother. xx