Crash...... and burn

I do this.... all too often. I go along and go along and go along and then I ... crash. I fall over and then I withdraw.

Hence why there have been no new posts for a few weeks. I removed my blog schedule - way too much pressure, I will post when I have the time and when I have something to write about! There is seriously no reason I have to regularly post. I am reminding myself of this.

I am feeling pretty constantly exhausted, just now, I have lost all motivation to exercise.... I lost most of my motivation to do much of anything. I do that sometimes. It will come back. Maybe after it stops snowing in odd places. Brrr.

I'm hiding. I hide away from the world.

Interestingly I have been thinking rather seriously about just how much time I spend in front of a screen. Computer mostly but then there is also the television. Usually that's for my daily Shortland Street and my weekly Greys Anatomy.

I went on a deletion rampage on Facebook, IF I deleted you please don't take it personally, its my thing, and nothing to do with you! I almost deleted my facebook page completely, the ONLY thing that stopped me is that I have contact with certain family members, and one (in particular) friend that are overseas. Thats the only reason I kept it at all.

I vaguely remember a time when I spent hardly any time on computers, less time on the internet and more time doing things like reading and studying. And I can't remember what else I did... I really don't know what I did with my time.

There are more people in my life now that I have a connection to, than I had back then, funnily enough my two closest friends I met through the same "young mothers yahoo group" thing, which doesn't exist anymore.

I used to spend a massive amount of my time devoted to others, I would go clean peoples houses, care for their children and drive them places, I would probably have done almost anything for anyone, with no return.

And I got no return. Because everyone else was fighting their own battles, and they weren't thinking about me. Well why should they? Why on earth would they bother? So I had to withdraw. And that was hard. It was scary.

People might not like me anymore if I didn't bend over backwards for them. And true, some people withdrew from me. But many others stayed and in fact a few realised that I was in need sometimes too, I was struggling. I was running a business, raising 3 girls and trying to manage everything, and STILL bending over backwards to help people.

That was some months ago now. I have now got a better rhythm, and a better quality of life. A lot of my time is devoted to my 3 full time jobs, (Family, Business, House, in that order) and the rest of my time is divided fairly equally between myself and social time.

I'm getting better at telling people its time to leave.

I am also getting better at saying "no" when someone asks me for something, like care for their kids, a ride somewhere.

Even harder for me, I am no longer offering my soul on a platter. Times gone by, as soon as someone mentioned they were moving house, their dishes needed doing, or they didn't know how what they were going to do about ....X?  I would pipe up "I will do it!" and I always would, damned be the consequences to myself, and sometimes, my family.

Now I am fairly careful what I offer and to whom, I will bend over backwards for my true friends, I will not bend over backwards for someone who will take advantage and not reciprocate. I hope that everyone has a few friends that they can call on in times of need, as I do, and as I am for a few. But no longer for everyone.

I am worth more than that. My time is precious to me, my kids come first. I come first.

xx The Ramblings of Another Mother.